Selected tales

The dizzling days of mid-May are lazy and laid-back. Nothing really big happens, but the small stories of everyday life piles up.

Simpleton math

Last Saturday I went to a comedy show. The main attraction was a comedian who had performed on Comedy Central and apparently was kind of famuos. He talked about life, politics, relationships, things that everyone can relate to. Some people in the audience was intoxicated, it was Saterday evening after all.

Comedian: "In Canada they have a good health care system. In Canada there are 500 murders per year. Do you know how many there are in the United States? 16 000".

Some drunk guy in the audience: "We have a higher population, so you can't compare the number. It's simple math, stupid."

Comedian to the guy:"OK. Let's compare the numbers. What's the population in the US?"

Guy in audience: "Do you know?"

Comedian: "I know, I was asking if you knew.

Silence.

Comedian: "So you don't know?"

This was embarrasing, the guy who called someone else stupid didn't know how many people there are in his country. Even I, a non-American, knew that piece of fact.

Comedian: "The population in the US is 300 million. In Canada it's 30 million. So you see, there are 3 times as many murders in the US."

The guy in audience could not accept the defeat though: "If you think USA is so bad, why don't you move to Canada?"

Comedian: "I think this is the best country in the world. I think so because of things like MIT and the constitution, not like rednecks and Sarah Palin who're eating burgers and jerk off watching nascar. Now look, you've woken up the girl who was passed out in the front row. "

By the way, the comedian was an Russian immigrant.

What's the frequence, Kenneth?

The most disgusting thing happened on Tuesday during the Numerical Analysis lecture. A lot of people have a cought or allergies right now and have running noses. The use of paper towels is not widely spread tho, so during the lecture the other students sat and snorted loudly. We're not talking a silent little sniff, we're talking full on cocaine snort- sound. Especially the girl just infront of me had quite an allergy. *Snoort*, and I imagined how the snot traveled back up the nose, up toward the brain. Every time I heard the sound a cold shiver ran down my spine and I winced. I counted how often this happened, the frequency was one snort every 3 seconds, during 75 minutes of class. When I left I had goose bumps and wanted to puke.

The art of getting free drinks in bars

Most guys think it's easy for a girl to get free drinks in bars, just shake some body parts and the tap is open. Well, that's true, in theory. I have never gotten it tho. As an independent and modern woman it's a matter of course to buy my own drinks. And if I'm talking to a guy and he asks if I want a drink, I say no, because, well, if I'm talking to that guy I probably don't need more to drink.

Yesterday, it was Thursday night and we went downtown dancing. Soleil, broke after weeks of travel, is an expert on how to get free drinks. She taught me the trick. It helps if you're two, because then the other one says to a random guy close to the bar pointing "She needs a drink, buy her a cocktail". Few men can resist one women, even fewer can resist two. I developed an own stragety. Talk to a guy, ask if you can try his drink, help him to finish it and when he gets a new one he will get you one too. Talking is actually enough, if you don't have a drink he will ask if you want one and get one for you. So I talked a lot. Then we have the thing about rejecting people. The guy only gets you drinks because he wants into your pants, you only want the drinks. The solution is to go to the bathroom with a "See you later" that's not gonna happen. Or see a friend on the other side of the room and go and say hello before he offers to come with you. You don't need high heels or a skirt, or even make-up. Life is unfair. Especially the next morning when you have a drum orchestra with ADD beating in your head.